Trepidation

I've been doing research on FFS (facial feminization surgery) today.. not learning anything I didn't know before, but it's good to keep up on these things. I'm still not sure when I'm going to get it done. Next year perhaps? Strange, for being such a sadist, I'm pretty scared of surgery. Among fears are such things as complications, pain and discomfort, least of all not waking up from the operating table. Has to be done, but it's still scary. Then there's the things like having to quit smoking for 2 weeks for the surgery.. may not seem like a big deal, but this'll probably be one of those more stressful periods so far in my life and that's when smoking helps most. Bleah. Also, with nose surgery, you're not supposed to wear glasses for a month or so afterwards (cause the cartilage is still soft n impressionable), and how the heck am I supposed to not see for 2 months? I have difficulty with contacts... has taken me as long as 40 minutes to get them both in, and how am I supposed to do that with a face all swollen after surgery? That lead me to look into lasik sites again. I don't know. It's supposedly low-risk.. but when things go wrong, they go really wrong, and it's permanent. I can't find much information on implantable contacts, which would otherwise seem like a good alternative. But if I can't wear glasses or contacts after surgery, then it seems I would have to get something like that done beforehand. Grrr. What to do, what to do.

I had a dream where I received a big, halloween cookie as a gift. One of the bullies from when I was in grade school tried to take it from me, but I wouldn't give it over, so he sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. Lovely.